Secret Shame
by BookSessed
Summary: Rose is hurting, hurting bad. And the worst thing is, no one knows; she hides her scars pretty well. But who can you rely on to save you when the person you need saving from is yourself? Rated T for self harm and stuff, and cause I'm paranoid.


***I don't own any characters, obvs, otherwise I would be rich by now* **

** *This does not encourage self-harm or any other self-destructive behaviour in any way, shape or form. Seriously.* **

Rose held it in her hand, the edge of it gleaming as a result of all the antiseptic wipes she had used on it. She breathed deeply and tried to recall those feelings inside of her when she walked to her usual group of friends, and they flipped her off. Each and every one of them, but the worst were the ones who pretended to like Rose, and then used indirect comments in front of her to make it clearly obvious that they were faking it. She pressed it against her skin and dragged, slowly; relishing the few seconds of pain and distraction she got from it. She didn't do it on her arms, not anymore, not where people can see. It gradually moved from her stomach to her upper legs, where there were a myriad of scars and fresh cuts bleeding heavily. It didn't even faze Rose anymore, and she calmly dropped the blade, pressed a fresh tissue firmly against the new cuts and got some tape from her bathroom drawer, and put it everywhere. Rose wasn't having it fall off again, not after that horrible incident where she had to lie and say she was on her period. Then again, no one suspected, because why would they? Feisty, beautiful, slutty Rose would have absolutely no reason to hurt herself! Only severely depressed people did that, mad, insane people.

'Maybe I am insane.' Rose chuckled darkly while mechanically cleaning up the mess she'd made, and walked out of her dorm room with a huge smile on her face. It was hard to explain, but she felt like a huge weight had been lifted whenever she harmed herself. She felt like she could breathe slightly easier, walk with her head held high.

* * *

It wasn't as if she was a total social pariah; people liked her and joked along with her. It was her supposedly 'close' friends that were the worst, but still, she carried out hanging out with them, because they were all she knew, and because of Lissa. She couldn't leave her alone with them, the Royals, and no matter how much Lissa sang her praises, they wouldn't budge on their opinions.

Rose even tried being nice, which was a pretty huge thing for her to do, as she isn't exactly known for being… 'Nice'. They smiled, even partied with her for a bit, and that's when the comments started. In front of everyone, they would say things like 'Ugh, I hate that person!', and 'Let's say we don't exactly get along.'

Rose wasn't stupid, she knew what was going on, and that is when the cutting started.

It started off as tiny little scratches on her wrist, made with her fingernails or tweezers when she was desperate. But people started noticing, and she gradually moved towards her stomach, where she really let loose. She got her hands on a blade, an ordinary one from a sharpener, and just, cut. And cut, and cut. One became five, which became ten, and so on, until she was left with a covered canvas, with no space for new ones.

So she moved onto her legs.

She knew no one would see her upper legs; the only one who might have would be Dimitri, and let's be honest, he was never going to see her legs while she was a student and him a teacher. The ones on her legs were the worst, with Rose just going deeper and deeper, as the adrenaline from small cuts faded and huge gashes were being called to make.

It wasn't as bad as you would think; she could still wear shorts, and skirts, though she had to be careful with the latter. Her cuts were so high, it really didn't matter, and Rose stayed safe in the knowledge that no one would see them.

And she was right; no one would see them, until she became a bit too lax with her hiding them.

* * *

**Rose POV**

'Hey!' called a boy from my theory class as I walked by and I waved and smiled at him while walking past.

'Hi Rose!' Eddie said as I walked by him in the corridor. He stopped, obviously looking to have a small chat, but I wasn't in the mood to make boring small talk with him.

'Hey Eddie. Sorry, can't stop, gotta run to training with Dimitri.' I said with an apologetic smile. He shook his head and shrugged and waved, before walking away.

I always felt a little bit breathless when I lied, even if it was a tiny lie. I mean, I did have training with Dimitri, just not for another 10 minutes. _Just enough time for a few more_, I thought while smiling.

I ducked into the bathroom stall furthest away from me and felt in my jeans pocket for my smooth, sharp, perfect blade. My hands started reaching more frantically as I didn't feel it in the first few seconds, and finally my finger scraped against something sharp and I picked it up, gasping slightly as I saw the bead of blood that had appeared on my finger. I watched it for a while, transfixed at the bright red of the blood, and then shook my head.

'Get it together Rose.' I muttered to myself as I sucked my finger and pulled down my jeans. Every time I looked at my legs, it surprised me. There was a clear line where the cuts started and where my legs were perfectly smooth. It was amazing how I never deviated from that line, as if I knew that I couldn't because that was when my whole world would come crashing down.

Reminding myself I didn't have much time, and that cleaning and bandaging it took a while, I closed my eyes and dragged the blade downwards, hard and slowly, and pressed a ready tissue against the cut that instantly wept blood. I removed the tissue and once again, in exactly the same place cut, a little faster this time, and continued this routine until I was satisfied.

I frowned as I cleaned the wound; I had gone a little below the line. Not too much, but enough that it would be noticed if I wore my shortest pair of shorts.

'Damn it!' I cursed as my blade slipped on the floor, and I picked it up, made sure the wound was okay, or at least would be for a bit and rushed out of the bathroom. Now I really was late for training.

As I jogged towards the gym, my leg felt heavy. I frowned once again and ignored it, stepping on that leg slightly harder then was necessary. 'Shake it off Rose.' I said to myself, fully aware that I was speaking to myself and that was the first sign of madness. _Knew it_, I thought to myself grimly.

Dimitri was sprawled on the floor with his easy grace, reading a battered, paperback Western novel with a silhouette of a man on a horse.

'Comrade! Haven't you read that one already?' I said, laughing slightly.

He sighed heavily and put the book down, folding the page over. 'No, Rose, I haven't. Let's do some laps.' He said calmly. After seeing my face fall, he said gently, 'Come on, I'll run with you.'

I changed into my gym kit, ignoring the huge white tissue stuck to my leg, already bleeding through ever so slightly. This was shocking, as there were at least 10 layers there, folded. I shrugged and jogged outside to where Dimitri was stretching. I joined in without a word, appreciating the weather. It was a hot day, very rare for September, but at least it made good weather to run in.

The first lap was completed in silence, and then Dimitri asked, 'Nervous about field experience?'

'Not really.' I replied, only slightly out of breath, more from the pain in my leg that anything. 'I mean, I know I'm gonna get paired with Lissa, and it's basically a 6 week long sleepover for us, with a few random Strigoi attacks here and there. Practice for the future! '

He shook his head at me and tried to hide his smile. 'Oh Roza, always seeing the best in situations'.

I nearly burst out laughing at that, but just about held it in. Yeah, sure, I see the best in situations. Okay. That's why I cut myself at every opportunity.

By the time we had finished our laps, my leg was in glancing pain every time I put the slightest but of weight on it, but I hid it well. I headed straight down to the hall, where the assignments were being handed out. My name was called, but not with Lissa's.

I was paired with Christian. Christian Ozera was the person I was going to have to spend 6 weeks with.

As I walked down to collect my pack, all I could think about was the cold of my blade, and ridiculously, I could feel the cold leaching through my pocket and into my bones. _Oh, I'm gonna need you tonight, _I thought.

* * *

**Okay, so this was a boring chapter! But I just wanted you to get the feel of what Rose is going through right now, and stuff. I promise that it will get way more exciting in the future, hopefully. **

**Please, read and review! I will love you forever; I don't even care if it's a bad review! Well, I do, so don't do that. But still! Review! (:**

_**BookSessed**_


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